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Green-Eyed Monster

He says:
Jealousy is a strong and common emotion for many people in this world. Shakespeare used to call it the ‘green-eyed monster’, and in my belief this is true; it really is something that can eat you up inside.

I think one of the biggest mistakes everybody out there can make is to dismiss the cause of jealousy. The person you love does not act in order to make you jealous (well, maybe sometimes they do, but anyways); s/he acts and you get jealous in relation to that. It is one’s own lack of self-confidence.

I, personally, am a very jealous person. I am waaay too envious and get caught up in all these thoughts like, “ok, but she sees that I love her” or “why does she feel the need to do this if she has me?” or “doesn’t she see how she hurt me like that?”
These are things you create in your little head. If you cannot accept how they appear to unintentionally hurt you, you need to talk about it.

Let me give you a tip from a situation I messed up before in the past. Instead of saying, “Your actions make me”, say, “I felt …”.
You are trying to express to the person you love that you are hurt and not that you hate them for something they did/do. Relationships can grow through the realisation that you have to fight through jealous thoughts and not bicker with the people you get jealous feelings over.

I am still in this process; I am still fighting my jealousy because I think I am not as good or not as handsome in comparison to other guys, or whatever. But at the end of the day, who are you together with? And why is this person with you and not with anyone else?

Because you are good. There are lots of good things about you, and the person you are with knows that as well – otherwise they wouldn’t stay together with you, simple.

Let me give you the last piece of advice from this topic. Jealousy is something YOU create, so YOU are the only one that can overcome it. Think about the feeling of how it is impossible for you to even consider being involved with somebody else, and think that your loved one (in most cases) actually feels that way AS WELL. That is the first step for you to realise that jealousy won’t give you anything, but those annoying voices in your head.

 

She says:
I’ve never really been the jealous type. That’s not to say I don’t believe in competition, which I think is the eventuality of any ‘jealous’ feelings I may oppress. I use my concerns to think how I can constantly better myself and be the best version of me that I can possibly be. But I’m certainly not a worrier about hypothetical misdemeanours.

What I mean is that I don’t feel the need to constantly ask the other person where they’re going, whom they’re going with and what they’re doing. If I trust that person, I wouldn’t feel the need to have such anxious thoughts and bitter feelings if, for example, they’re hanging out with a bunch of girls.

If a person wants to cheat, they cheat. I feel like it’s not something you can prevent, which is why there’s no point accumulating envious thoughts into your head, because it might not even be the case that your beloved is being unfaithful. If it happens, it happens and it’s ultimately their fault – you’re not to blame. Thus, why should you feel jealous of the people your other half is hanging out with? If they treat you, as you ought to be treated, there is no need to build on weird thoughts. Don’t they always say that overthinking leads to negativity?

But I do agree that jealousy is the cause of much misunderstanding in relationships and it can be only down to the individual to work on their feelings. Sometimes jealousy isn’t even caused by insecurity; it can be caused my multiple factors, and I do think it depends on the type of relationship that you’re in. Furthermore, I think that jealousy should not be confused with possessiveness; while I admit I have experienced a tiny bit of jealousy in the past, by no means have I ever been the possessive type – being possessive is rooted much deeper into insecurity issues, I think.

At the end of the day, all I can conclude is: you know you’re in a truly comfortable relationship when you hardly get jealous at all.

 

 

 

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Crypticodes

A collaboration post! Yes, usually it’s just guy’s talking in Guy Talk, but being the writer of The Haute Chocolate, I figured there needs to be a girl’s perspective as well on an issue that goes for both genders.

We’re more cryptic than we think we are in today’s world, especially when it comes to relationship lingo. For instance, ‘I need a break’ sugar-coats the dreaded ‘I want to break up with you’, rather than one needs a break, perhaps a weekend away, to reenergise before reclining back into the relationship. Another classic example is how ‘fine’ has become the new ‘f*ck off’. As we learnt from Two Broke Girls, “fine doesn’t mean fine. The scale goes: great, good, okay, not okay, I hate you, fine” – and it couldn’t be more true.

Now we’re not saying that we’re always talking in some kind of code; of course, ‘fine’ can actually mean ‘I’m doing fine’, and ‘I need a break’ can sometimes be for the better – in some cases actually saving the relationship. However, let’s be real, the times when we actually use these phrases honestly is when we’re corroborating the exception to the rule.

So we decided to create a fun little post drawing up a little list of some of the most common ‘crypticodes’ used in relationship.

1. I need a break
We might as well start with the first example. It’s a phrase that’s so easy to throw out in an argument and can have two principle connotations. Because it IS sometimes easily flung into a heated debate, it may not have any meaning at all other than it was used in the spur of the moment – moments when you’re so beyond mad that you just can’t deal with the other person. However, sometimes it can have a more detrimental meaning, which ultimately breaks the relationship. Often is the case where, ‘I need a break’ signifies that the person needs time to think whether he/she even wants the relationship… sometimes we have a happy ending where everyone’s singing and dancing that the happy couple are back together again, aaaaand other times (or most times) it’s a way to end the relationship.
Ending a relationship after wanting a break is such a stupid move; you give the person hope only to just say, ‘bah-bye’. If you genuinely need time to think, take a day or so – try not to drag it on for a week or more, it just makes you the bad guy.

2. It’s not you, it’s me
Classic. There are so many variations of this one: ‘I just need to be single right now’; ‘I don’t have time for a relationship’; ‘I’m so into my career’; I just think you can find someone better’. False, false, false, aaaand false. You DON’T need to be single right now. You DO have time for a relationship and you aren’t SO into your career and no they CAN’T find someone better. These are all insufficient excuses you make up in your head all because you simply just don’t want to put in the effort to make it work with this particular person for some reason or another or you can’t be honest. Whilst sometimes it may in fact be your own issues, most probably it IS them and not you that is causing you to turn the other way.
Acknowledge that people do change sometimes and that what you once thought was a perfect relationship has turned into something else. If you are not happy where you are in life, change things.

3. I’m busy right now, so we’ll talk later
Okay, maybe on occasions you are actually busy. However, it’s still likely we use this excuse when we’re not that busy at all. We’ve all been there… Telling a person that you’ll get back to them because you’re just so preoccupied, whilst simultaneously iMessaging another person and keeping that conversation flowing. Busted; you’re not busy and you’re still holding your phone, so you DID see the message that you claimed you didn’t, or didn’t receive, and no, your phone DIDN’T die. Also, not replying seems like a really bad strategy when the other person knows that your phone is constantly in your hand, at all times and wherever you go. Just reply.

4. I just need some space
This variation is slightly different to ‘I need a break’ in the sense that you only want some time alone for a little bit. While this may be true for guys, in most female cases it’s code for ‘give me more attention, you idiot, because you’re really failing at doing so’. But again, instead of telling be honest and telling the other person we crave attention, we drop hints.

And that’s what this post is mainly about. Changing the language so we mask how we actually feel or what we want to say; dropping hints to avoid honesty. We cannot give you a straight answer why this actually happens instead of being upfront and saying “You are not paying me enough attention. This is cool. Work with me.” At the end of the day you know that a relationship doesn’t “just” work; It IS work. Two individuals coming together making sacrifices on their own desires you might call it.

Try and be honest.

Wishing you all a wonderful week!

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OMG Moments

‘OMG Becky’ moments… It’s that time of the year when everything I see on social media are pictures of happy graduates, flinging their caps in the air and posing alongside fellow students and family. So of course that brings me to one of my many moments of deep thought, often presented in a concoction of fear and general babble.

It’s such a pleasure to see all these new graduates, and quite inspiring… but it brings me to think about all the hard work that’s in store when I return to London this September and come face-to-face with final year. I might as well throw my social life outside the window; I can already tell that next year is going to have a hefty load of work cut out for me.

And then that brings the next dilemma: what am I going to do with myself after the year is over?

I already plan to do a Master’s degree, that’s a given. Yet, I’ve come to realise my whole life that I’m a relentless planner, as sad as that probably sounds. I have my life mapped out – hoping it progresses accordingly, but the one thing I haven’t planned out is how I may react if things don’t go to plan.

People always tell me that I should learn to ‘go with the flow’ and to take things as they come – which I do! I really try to be spontaneous when it comes to little things, but when it comes to matters that affect my academic career and any future job prospects I simply have no ‘flow’ – my flow has to be thought out substantially.

I’m the type of girl that said, okay, here’s what I’ll do: I’ll get my degree; finish a Master’s; work for about a year or so; go back to get an MBA; then in that time settle down, hoping I would get married by around 25, which seems to be an ideal age since I can work for a bit and then maybe have my first child around 27/28.

I remember even discussing this plan with my fellow girlfriends, who also had their own timeline planned out. I guess it’s just something a lot of females do, which is kind of reassuring to know that I’m not the only freak out there.

Phew, so much to do, so little time.

EVERYTHING was mapped out, from every age, and now I just think why do I bother?

Why is it so difficult for me to just drop this stupid itinerary and just enjoy everything as they come my way? If I expect too much already from such a young age, I would only be filled with disappointment and anxiety when things don’t go accordingly to the plan.

We set ourselves goals and expectations, which are fine, but sometimes we often get too carried away with them. All my aspirations seem to lie way ahead in the future, and I say to myself, “only when I achieve that, I will be happy”… Wellll, why can’t I just be happy and satisfied now?

I get so caught up in trying to set myself the perfect life, but I simply need to learn to let go and just accept the things that come to me.

I do think there is such a thing as destiny; I do think that some things happen for a reason; and I do think that our lives have been pre-written before we came into existence.

But that doesn’t mean you should stop working hard to achieve whatever it is you set out to attain. It’s just important to realise that if things don’t go accordingly, maybe it was meant to be that way for some reason or another, which may become known to us later… or in some cases, may never become known – and that’s fine too.

T-Shirt Slogans

So I’ve been dabbling recently when it comes to the actual writing aspect of blogging; there are photos galore, but not so much text. Chronic procrastination. And also due to a lack of stable WiFi connection, as I’ve been lurking in the middle of nowhere these recent days. 

So, where am I? 

India/Home/Paradise 

And as usual, I’ll be spending the Summer travelling back and forth between cities, thereby living out of a suitcase for two and a half months. It’s fun, but tiring to say the least. Buuuut I figured it was about time I sat down and cherish the moments that I have solid WiFi when I’m at my Grandparents’ house in order to write up a quick post. 

I love being amused by the fashion of middle-aged men in India. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to work they all look sharp; vacation fashion, however, is a completely different story… 

EVERY SINGLE dad dons the cringe-worthy slogan T-shirt whilst holidaying. It’s all I ever saw at the resorts I was staying in. For that reason, I have banned my own father from wearing slogan T-shirts. I get that quirky captions are all in Vogue, but there is a limit… even for the things you see in top-end fashion magazines. 

Exhibit A
Seems like a young dad, holding his baby girl whilst trying to feed her the mush she has for breakfast. Clearly a disaster as she keeps throwing it back at him. And why shouldn’t she? I would probably do the same if it was socially acceptable to throw food at strangers with a completely cringe T-shirt that says: You read my T-shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day. 

Obviously that’s meant to be a cool joke, right..? 

Exhibit B
The true middle-aged man, appears to be in his mid-forties maybe, not too sure, kinda hard to tell. But anyway. He’s sitting at a table with bermuda shorts, a little sunhat (not too sure why, when he’s indoors…), and a T-Shirt that says: I don’t need Google, my wife knows everything. 

I have no words for this one except that if his wife knows everything, she would’ve known to forbid him from wearing that shirt in the public eye. 

Exhibit C 
He seems to be a grandfather, as he’s amongst a crowd of young children and their parents. He has such a warm smile and looks like he’s a really cool person… except for his T-shirt slogan: The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest. 

I never really thought much of that slogan. I’ve seen it countless times and it never made me laugh. I just thought, ‘okay, cool’ whenever I saw it (note the sarcasm in the ‘cool’). However, because he seems like a really cute elderly man, I’ll let him off, it’s okay for him to wear a cringe worthy T-shirt; he’s the exception. 

And I’ve seen countless other weird slogans, such as: 

- I know HTML. How To Meet Ladies 

- I give 100% at my job: 12% Mondays, 17% Tuesday, 36% Wednesday, 24% Thursday, 11% Friday 

- Also available sober 

I’m sure there are plenty more out there. They’re funny – in a weird, spastic way. But I just wish dad’s would stop wearing them. 

Online Dating

Dangerous territory. Not actually the setting up a profile and talking to complete strangers on the internet part, which we all remember was the first thing our mothers taught us NOT to do – we do it anyway. No, the dangerous territory is to actually meet the other stranger psycho murderer person.

So I heard of this app called Tinder. In the iTunes description I swear it says ‘dating’, and not along the lines of ‘app-to-help-you-have-sex-with-strangers’. I downloaded it anyway and signed up. For those who don’t know what I am talking about, Tinder is an application designed to find new friends, but more with a boy/girlfriend angle. You can either like or dislike a picture and depending on if the person you like liked you back, you can start a conversation. Straightforward and actually really clever, I thought. Although rejection issues probable when you prove not worthy of a person you liked, but no like back.

One of the first issues with online dating, which is highlighted in the video, while setting up our profile we obviously look for the most attractive, appealing pictures and adjectives to describe ourselves. Now that’s the problem with our generation. In the video they talk about honesty. But seriously, who is honest these days about how hot they are.

With this perfect illusion in mind we start chatting up some girl/guy and at some stage agree to a meeting – for coffee, for example.

In the age of social media, I agree it is sometimes hard to mingle and meet new people. communication skills are in decline and we forget how to interact with other humans. Okay, it is not that bad as of now, but you get the idea.

With this post I’m trying to get two messages across:

1) You are not too young or too old to ever try it.

2) Try and be as honest as possible.

Finding your ‘one’ is sometimes not as easy as Hollywood movies try making us believe. Try everything, find your option, but most importantly be honest.

If you are reading this and use Tinder as a sex app, I am genuinely surprised. You should have already learnt that casual sex is beneath anyone’s dignity and is the cause for gender inequality especially when it comes to women.